I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
