Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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