Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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