Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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