Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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