Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
