i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
