okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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