Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
