I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
