I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
where are my eyebrows?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
