The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
