Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
