I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
