Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
