yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
