Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
