and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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