if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
did i just pee glitter
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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