chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
