too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
