yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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