I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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