I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
