Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
