is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
