i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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