On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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