I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
