I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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