nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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