you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
