I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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