woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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