The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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