she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
