Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
