eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
