Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
