You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
