and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
