Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
