She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
