somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
