I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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