I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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