3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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