You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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