bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
