You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
